How are you?

It’s a social nicety. “How are you?” The appropriate response is “good, you?” I mean they teach it in every language class, right?

But what if you’re not…you know….”good”?

I struggle with this. I went to Bible study this week….the first week back from surgery. (My social network is straight up shut down. Lol. I go to church and bible study and these are the highlights of my confinement. Then I take a multi-hour nap to recover from going outside. These are the days of our lives. But I digress.)

So it was the first week back and of course everyone wants to know “how are you?” Did they want “fine”? I’m not sure. Probably not. But that’s what I mustered up.

One of them called me out with “you wouldn’t tell us even if you weren’t.” Valid point.

At the beginning milling around stages, I had to escape the fineness to take a timeout in the bathroom because I wasn’t fine and as previously mentioned, tiny ovary is doing a bad job and I was gonna cry. Why? No idea. But I wasn’t gonna do it in public when I’d already declared I was “fine”!

It’s a daily thing lately. At some point, I’m gonna cry about nothing….literally. I mean I was going to pick up groceries and had to get it together before I got there (which is 2 blocks from my house…seriously??). It’s ridiculous. A baby shower invitation started it another day. Today talking about lacking emotional control almost started it…but luckily I grabbed it and got it together.

See that’s why I’m “fine.” I don’t like to cry…not in public anyway. People don’t know what to do. Some people do. If you’re one of those gifted people that know what to do with emotional people, bless you. I’m not those people either. As much as I don’t want to be emotional I don’t know what to do with emotional people.

But the other day, God convicted me that I need to admit that I’m not fine. That I’m wading through some heavy stuff right now. That physically I’m hurt and healing but emotional and spiritually I’m in the same condition. If I don’t admit it, I have to walk it alone. And God has placed people in my life who genuinely want to walk it with me, but I’m not letting them. Cuz I’m fine.

I’m so not fine that that last paragraph made me cry. Well good. At least I’ve gotten that out of the way for the day. But anyway…

We have to stop putting on masks and being fine with some people. I think God let’s us know who we better be “fine” with and who want to know when we’re not. I can tell in my life which people can handle it and would actually help me get “fine” and which people don’t want to deal with it…or can’t….through no fault of their own.

We are all carrying some burden. Most of our burdens are different from others, but our life’s experiences help us be able to help others through their struggles.

One of my favorite things is when someone needs me to do something. I know that sounds crazy to a lot of people but I find value in being needed. In fact I will sacrifice all of my free time and make myself insanely busy just for the gift of being needed by someone. I want to know I have something to offer someone. Serving others is one of my love languages. Giving gifts is another but that’s for another time.

God is challenging me that I need to give others the opportunity to serve me. I don’t have to have it all together. He’s given me people with unique skill sets who can help me in so many ways. Does it hurt their feelings when I don’t let them help me the way it honestly hurts my feelings when someone doesn’t let me help them? Oo…gut check.

I think we need to shift our thinking from looking at needing others as a weakness and instead as needing others as an opportunity to allow someone to share their gifts that God had given them with us. Maybe? Probably.

Will we cry in public? I mean maybe. Ok I will. At least until this little ovary gets it together, if he ever does. (Hormones are crazy.)

(PS apparently from what I read insomnia is completely normal at this stage of recovery. Great cuz I gots it. Thus, you get two blog posts in one day! So you win. Just kidding.)