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The struggle

I’m not trying to constantly be like “woe is me”, but man…I am riding the struggle bus so hard today I might be driving it.

Granted my struggles are not as hard as other people’s but life isn’t a competition. Thank goodness. Because I’m competitive and I don’t like to lose.

I’m struggling with finding normal right now. I’m still off of work from having surgery, and I have limits on what I can do. I think I glean a lot of my self worth from what I do at work added to what I do for other people. Right now I feel like I’m doing nothing for anyone, hence my struggle.

Insomnia is also a real battle right now. It’s a battle that so many people deal with everyday but one I’ve never faced until the last few weeks. That coupled with hormonal emotional ineptitude and I’m a mess.

I mean let’s be real. I’m such a mess that I had to come home after preschool church because I couldn’t keep it together. I tried. But babies and people talking about having them, and I just couldn’t. I don’t even know why. I wish I was a man sometimes lol.

Anyway…I know where I need to go. I need to go back to “the ROCK that is higher than I.” I need to go there but I need to STAY there until I have it together (spoiler alert: we’ll never completely have it together).

Maybe that’s what I’m supposed to be learning. That I CANNOT but He CAN. That I CANNOT so I need to stop trying so hard and let HIM. That I’ll never be helpful enough, or good enough, or anything enough with Him. That I need to REST in Him until He says it’s time to get up.

Why is it so hard to rest? I’m not sure. I don’t know why I am struggling so hard with just resting…resting in Him and resting in general. Maybe that’s why he’s got me in this season, no matter how brief it is (but unending it seems). God, make me rest.

This sums up where I am at this moment. And I’m clinging to the “but” hard:

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