This post is going to be brief because I need sleep in a big way. If you are following my life and inclined, pray for me that this insomnia will be abated before I have to go back to work next week. 12 hour shifts on no sleep will definitely test me.
But I just wanted to celebrate a tiny victory. Today, I said, no. Today, I said I could not do something. Today, I didn’t feel bad about it.
Some of you might be thinking, ok weirdo. I do that all the time. If so, I’m proud of you! I don’t. In face this is maybe the first time ever that I chose me and my commitments and I didn’t feel guilt over the inability to be two places at one time.
What does that mean? It shows in a small way the big path God has brought me through in a short amount of time. It shows that he has changed my very personality by wrapping me in his arms and showing me I’m enough. By showing me it’s okay to choose me sometimes. By showing me I don’t have to be all things to all people.
And guess what? The person I said no to…they aren’t even mad about it either! Talk about a world changer!
What I said no to, someone else has stepped up to do. Someone who is completely capable.
I can say no. I can be okay. Other people will be ok. The world keeps spinning. (Spoiler alert: I’m not so important that the world stops operating without me making sure it is. Wow!)
As I get ready to return to work next week, this was an important victory because I’m about to get busy. If I’m not careful, I will neglect myself and fall back into old habits and all this deep work will be for nothing and all the work left to do will be lost. The only way to prevent it is to pray and rely on God to put me back on the leash if he needs to, if I can’t be trusted to do it alone.
Today I chose me. And it felt good. And it was good.