Looking for light

So as you can imagine, I hit the ground running after release. It’s cool. That’s my normal life. The only problem is my body cooperated for about a week and then hit the brakes yesterday and hit them hard. Luckily I was hanging out with people (other nurses at church camp) who made me go to “timeout” for the night. So today is a new day. A little worse for wear but this too shall pass.

Today I have had a lot of downtime. Downtime for nurses is good at camp because it means no one has injured themselves. So A+ to that. In the downtime I have spent some time with reflection, praise songs and art. There is still a lot of learning and improvement to come, as yesterday probably illustrated.

I wrote before of grief and how we have to feel the pain to feel the joy. In one of my downtimes I contemplated that as I was feeling some stuff.

I’m 2 days away from Father’s Day which is a day that notoriously hurts my heart. Also I’m still disappointed in the fact that my body didn’t shut up and deal yesterday even though I know that couldn’t have been helped but I’m stubborn like that. Also someone was talking about their fertility struggles which hurt my heart a little as well since that chapter is closed. I guess God called a little mini-grief timeout. I just rolled with it. I didn’t dodge it like normal. I just went outside with my praise music and felt what I was feeling and cried a little by myself. Then God said time to get back to work and “Joy” by For King and Country came on and I rolled back up for life.

I think that’s one of the things that God is teaching me. Grief is ok. To live in a state of grief, not so good. But it’s ok to feel what you’re feeling. Whether it’s sadness, full-on grief, weakness, sickness…whatever it is. God gave us emotions and he wants us to allow them. Good comes out of that.

I don’t have to be in control all the time and if there are tears in a public space, then it happens and we roll on. People don’t think less of our weakness because they also have weakness. It’s human. It’s life.

To fully appreciate the beauty of the light, you have to experience the darkness! You don’t have to live in the darkness, but you have to know what it is.

And out of darkness comes JOY if you let it. And joy is good. It’s 10 steps past happiness. It’s good. Trust me. I’ve been there. I have a hard time going there sometimes but it’s a good good place. I think I only recently experienced legitimate joy but friends…go there if you can.

So today’s challenge. Feel what you feel. Let yourself do you. Allow yourself to have weakness. And let people walk through your weakness with you. Y’all I know that’s scary. I don’t like it either but God is teaching me it’s good as well.

Well that’s it from under the tree that has cell service at camp. Lol. For real. (A week almost unplugged is weird and wonderful. I can’t believe putting your phone on airplane mode and using it for music only can be amazing but it is!)

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