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It’s hard to fix a heart

This day. Nothing in particular happened. I spent it finishing an audio book (because that’s all that’s available yet) of Remember God by Annie F. Downs. Y’all. It’s so good. And yet it hurt my heart a little.

Let’s be fair. The book itself didn’t hurt my heart. It made me realize that my heart is still hurt and all the faking aside it hasn’t healed. This has been a rough season, as you know if you’ve been here for a minute. But there’s something about what Annie wrote.

The theme, for lack of a better word, running through the book is a question. “Is God always kind?” We know He’s good, but is He kind to us, in the midst of our fears and disappointments with life. Even when life isn’t what it was “supposed to be”. Is He still kind? I’m not going to ruin the book for you. Trust me. You need to read it. All the way. Maybe not in one day cuz that’s a lot for your heart to take in. Trust me on that too. (Find all the details at anniefdowns.com)

So I’ve just been processing today, feeling all the feels and yes, unfortunately, crying all the tears occasionally. My heart needed to hear all those things, even though they hurt a little (or a lot). I need to remember God and all He’s done even in the disappointments. Because, friends, He’s always been good, even when I wasn’t. But I need to process all the things.

My heart needs fixing. Luckily I have a scheduled time out next week, literally. To the lake we go. Someone said to me this week, “I hope you don’t place too high of expectations on the lake cuz those are always disappointing.” Y’all I know. And I don’t.

Here’s what I need from the lake. I need time to sit in God’s creation and talk some things out. I need to pause. I need Sabbath in a big way. I need a time out. I need a control/alt/delete reset. I need to fix my heart.

Literally, I’m realistic always. It’s 4 days. My heart may not be fixed in 4 days, much like a computer sometimes doesn’t even work right after you restart it. But it’s a start. It’s what I feel like God is asking of me right now. And it’s what I’m gonna do.

This season has been hard. And I’m not gonna lie, I want it to end. But I want to come out of it a better person, not a worse. I want to come out of it the best version of myself. So, I have to live in it a little longer because God’s not done with me in this season.

In the book, she mentions a couple of times asking God to give her a word for the year. I did that today. And it’s funny because it’s the same word He gave me several months ago when I didn’t even ask for it.

Grace. To recognize the grace He’s offering me. To give grace to myself. To feel all the feels I need to feel, but to live in grace.

I know this is a shocker, but I’m not perfect. If I admit it, I’m so incredibly broken by life and trying so hard to hide it. And it’s not working anymore.

So God and I (and my brother and some close friends) are going to the lake. I’m gonna come out of this ok, trust me. I know God is always kind, even when it doesn’t feel like it. My hearts still beating even in all its pieces. And when I reconcile my life to what God has for me, even if it’s different than what I had imagined, the superglue will dry and my heart will be ok again.

(PS…for those who are following my oh so unnecessarily dramatic dealings from the last post, I did one thing today. I answered the phone when the loan people called, and I got approved. Then they sent me to a realtor who started sending me houses and…lest you think miracles happened, I screened his call. Yup, still a work in progress. But we’re gonna make it. We’re gonna buy a house, when my heart lets me. Don’t worry.)

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