Who He is today

When I started this blog several months ago, I did it because God told me too. It felt like something important was happening in my life, and I needed to write about it.

I can’t journal in the traditional paper and pen kind of way. I’ve tried many times. But I quit. Every. Time. So this like my online journal. The only difference is it’s out for everyone to read. It’s my heart. And my soul. And all the pieces.

For a while, I blogged anonymously. I had a blog before this one but people I knew followed it. Heck, my mom followed it. I wasn’t ready to own my feelings in the beginning so God and I made a deal. I’d do it, but I’d do it with no identifying features…totally incognito and on a completely different platform. And so this blog was born.

One night, God told me it was time to own it. He wanted me to post it on social media. I mean we argued about that for a while. I even snuck it in the bio section as a compromise so if someone happened to look there…but no one did cuz who looks at their friends bios?

The next day God said, no…own it. I said but God what if people read it. What if people read my heart. And what if they don’t like it? Or what if they do? What if my mom reads it? What if the broken crazy I’ve been trying to hide is actually acknowledged and people see it? God, people I know? What if it becomes less personal because it’s out there in the world for people I really know?

But, I gave up the fight. And one night I owned it. And, guess what? It’s been ok. My mom read it, and it’s ok. Some of my people have read it. They still love me.

It’s become something I’m not scared of but proud of. Because it’s the me I can’t always let out. It’s the feelings I want to share with you, but I can’t always figure out the ways…or the whos. It’s my heart on a screen. It’s all the things. And it’ll keep being those things until God says it’s finished. So that’s what this means to me. I hope it means something to you if you’re reading it. That there’s something in it you can identify with or need to hear.

Tonight, in the shower, God and I finished the day with a conversation. A hard one. I mean really we started the day with one so why not finish? Tears are easier in the shower because they just wash away. No evidence.

I told God of my disappointments and what I need from Him. That I need to feel His kindness, even in the midst of the broken. That I need Him to be my daddy and fix it. That I’m willing to be patient but I need to know there’s an end to this season.

I have two more days of work and I told Him I needed Him to guard my heart that feels especially broken today because my job is hard. And the broken crazy sometimes wins.

He told me I need to trust my people and trust Him. I admitted I don’t trust well, but He already knew that. Then He started naming names. (If you’ve never heard a convo with God this sounds weird and I’m fine with that.). He reminded me of my people, of who I can trust with my heart. Y’all. Some of the names on the list I argued. They do not have my back, God. His reply, “but they do” and then He reminded me how. The list was a little longer than I thought, but it crossed all the areas of my life. God is giving me people in all my places. (If you’re on the list, I hope you’re ok with it. If not, I didn’t make the list. Lol).

I’m human though. And I’m not gonna run out and start spilling it all. I’m gonna try to hide the broken until I figure out how not to. But, don’t let me get away with answering “how are you?” With “fine” like I always do. I may not tell you all the things, but I promised to stop answering that question that way. Because I’m not. But I will be. God promised me that.

And so many things He told me and I told Him tonight (I mean thank goodness for tankless water heaters lol). The biggest one is He promised He can still use the broken. Because we’re all a little broken anyway. That we don’t have to have it all together to be used by Him. And that’s my desire, even in the broken pieces of my heart. To be used my Him. To matter.

Today I started a list. It’s not an original idea it came from Remember God, as all these things really have.

And every day He’ll show up in some way. And at the end of the list I’ll know who all He is and where all we’ve been. We’re gonna get there. And we’re gonna be bruised and maybe limping, but we’re gonna be okay. In fact we’ll be better for having walked this road. And it will matter.