Just breathe

I’ve literally been watching bugs for the last little bit. I am being 100% literal. I watched a spider do his thing for a little bit. An ant was all about going somewhere and then came back. Then there was a bee. He flew around and was precariously close at one point, but I’m in his world and I let him do his thing and he went on.

I’m not a bug person normally. (My family can attest to this. There is sometimes screaming and always some means to make the bug go away, however violent that is. I mean hair spray renders bugs useless for a minute. Lol). To be fair, I’m not even an outdoors person, but I came to the lake for peace and I am finding it outside, amongst the birds and locusts and yes, bugs.

There’s so much in life I can’t control and so much that’s not even mine to control. Sitting outside somehow makes me think of that. I can’t control all these bugs. I can use bug spray to keep them away from me, but I’m in their home. I could go on a rampage and try to kill them, but they all have friends.

Maybe that’s a little like life. I can only control small things. I can only make small changes in myself to make sure I’m not eaten alive by the bugs. But the bugs still exist and the bugs have a purpose, I guess. (Granted I don’t know the bugs’ purpose, I’ll just trust they have one.). I don’t have to like them, but I can appreciate what they do.

The trials in life, the disappointments and challenges, have a purpose. I don’t have to like them, but I only have to appreciate them for what they do. The only thing I can do is try to control how they effect me. I might still get bit sometimes. But I have to let go of trying to control all the things. Bad things happen. The strength is in how it affects me. My strength is in my response. Breathe in the good, sigh out the bad. And recognize what the purpose is.

(Disclaimer: I realize that’s not a bee. But it’s the same principle lol).

The bee that flew around a little bit ago had the power to hurt me. I had the power to (try to) squash it. (Granted had I picked that option, I could have gotten really stung in the process.) Neither of us exercised our powers. It flew around and did whatever it was doing and then left. I watched. We were both unscathed by the experience.

I don’t have to respond to every thing that can hurt me. I don’t have to react. The only thing I have to do is acknowledge its presence, respect its purpose, and chose to not react.

So for today, my heart is full of all the things. I see all the good that has been and I chose to acknowledge but breathe out the bad. Do I wish my life was different? In the grand scheme, maybe. But if it was different, would I be here right now? How many people have the luxury of sitting alone on a deck overlooking the lake on a Thursday on September. For this gift, God has been kind to me.

I also enjoyed spending time with my brother I rarely see yesterday. He’s still here. He just got up early and got on the boat. He’s always been a really interesting individual to me. He lives life with the freedom to just be. He spent an entire year just fishing and enjoying life. (He’s not a bum. He owns a house and a boat and a truck.). I don’t know how he spent a year without worrying about adult things like jobs. But he’s not wired like me. Which is cool. We have some of the same life experiences, I mean as children. We both experienced loss at a really early age. We were raised by the same person in the same house. Yet he’s so different from me, in all the ways.

And the thing I appreciate about him right now is he passes no judgment over my ideas. I say I might buy a house; he says he can help fix it up. I say I might live at the lake, he says this is a great place to live. (He knows I’m not gonna live at the lake.). He has opinions. Oh boy does he. But he expresses them and then just moves on. You’ll never change his mind and he’ll go down with that belief. He’s a cool person to be around for someone like me. I need to be a little like that.

And he’s returned. And I said I’d get on the boat today. So I guess that’s the end for now. Today is a good day to just breathe.