Still learning

It’s funny. I’ve reflected a lot over the last week and a half, probably because I haven’t had a lot else to do, thankfully. Unfortunately tomorrow signifies the official end of vacation mode. Hopefully work is kind.

I’ve thought a lot about everything that has happened over the last year. As you know, because I’ve been pretty straightforward about most of it, it’s been rough, really since January before this blog even started. April started a tailspin, and May and June saw God in his kindness reach down and soften my heart to Him again and start walking me down a different, and slightly more public, road.

There have been highs where I can see God’s blessings and His kindness, and there have been lows where I feel like I am still lost in the sea of despair. I want to be honest always here and say that I’ve let you into some of it, but not all. I’m better at relaying the good things.

The thing is God has done a great work in my heart, but Satan throws up every tool he can. God knows my disappointments, but so does Satan and he uses them as a weapon to steal my joy. And I hate to admit he’s been rather successful lately. And yet there are times where I’ve seen God’s goodness and provision in my life, even in the chaos.

Yesterday marked 5 months since surgery and things are getting close to status quo physically. My guts still randomly rebel against things, especially coffee (rude), but not nearly as often as they used to. It’s the emotional healing, (or maybe hormonal incompetence I don’t know), that I never even considered to be an issue. I answered the question pre-op with confidence, no I don’t care that I’ll never have children. But, now I find that I do care…I care very much. And even though that would likely have never happened surgery or not, it’s still something that stings a little.

I’m going to get there. It’s just something I still deal with. Several of my friends have even had babies since April and while I’m really happy for them, and though they offer, I cannot bring myself to hold their babies. I’m sure they think that’s weird. Heck, I think it’s weird. I’ve always loved babies. But that’s where we are right now. I’m not sure why I’ve felt compelled to confess my struggles tonight, but I feel like in the pursuit of total honesty, I needed to say it. I don’t want anyone walking a similar road to feel bad if they aren’t “over it.”

I am learning to accept whatever feelings come but to try not to dwell in them. I am learning to be still. I like the verse above because God says He’ll fight for me if I just be still. It takes all the pressure out of me having to fight so hard all the time. I’m still breathing (as I’ve said every blog for the last several because that’s what I’m learning to do and it’s hard). If you can’t control your situation, just breathe. Be still. Know that He is God and He is before all the things.

I am grateful because I have been given so much in these trials. (I am also fully aware that other people have much worse trials than I do, but thankfully life isn’t a competition.). I can see the hand of God guiding me through all the things. I can see where I’ve fallen short and where God has prevailed.

I’m still very much broken in a lot of ways, but I’m also very much mended in a lot of other ways. I know we will get through all of this and be better on the other side; it’s just a longer journey than I like.

I’m a quick fix kind of person. Even when I craft, I don’t want to paint a picture that will take days and weeks, I want a fast project. I want to see results after a short amount of work. But life isn’t like that. It’s a marathon and I’m a terrible runner for a person who is so good at running away. But this time I’m staying the course. And walking straight through all the hurt. And it sucks. But it’s also good. It’s hard to explain.

This week I feel like God answered a question for me. Is God always kind to me? I think I can say He is, even when it’s something silly and minute.

I’ve been house shopping some. I’ve really been struggling with this though because I felt like it was marrying a lifestyle that I didn’t necessarily want to commit to. (I wrote about that previously). I had found a house I liked for one main reason…it had a Tiffany blue door.

Before you say it, I realize that is a ridiculous reason to like a house. It had a good kitchen too, but the main thing I liked was the door. And it sold…not to me…while I was at the lake.

But when I came back from the lake I committed that I was going to attempt to adult and do this thing. I was praying that when it was right I would know. I looked at the first house that I really liked in pictures and I hated it in person. I went home done with the process.

The next day, some other things had happened and I was just not wanting to do it anymore. I was talking to some people at Bible study and speaking of the prospect of looking at houses that afternoon literally brought me almost to tears.

I met my realtor at a house on the list that I kind of liked, but it wasn’t that cute on the outside, however I thought the inside showed promise. As we started walking up, I stopped. “The door is blue,” I said. “Apparently you have a type,” laughed my realtor. I went through the house and I loved it. It was everything I wanted in a house, except a privacy fence (we can’t have everything).

I went and saw a few more and I just kept thinking about that one.

When I got home, I pulled up the pictures from the site. How had I missed a blue door??

I hadn’t missed a blue door.

Sometime between when the pictures were taken and we saw the house, the door was painted blue. It’s been listed for 18 days. And they painted the door blue.

I had to laugh because God cares about me enough to paint a door blue for me. I mean I could have painted a door. I wasn’t going to buy a house based off of a door. I’m still not buying a house based off a door. But God is kind enough to send me a wink and say, I care about you and I’m in this house buying situation. Girl, just be still.

And just like that, in a Tiffany blue door, I have peace with the whole situation. I know whatever happens is God and however long it takes is not up to me. There is a house for me somewhere.

I’m trying. Everyday. Some days I succeed and some days I fall so short. But with His help I’m trying.