life, My Faith

Celebrate weird

(Disclaimer: cuz there are menfolk around here. We’re gonna use words like uterus and gynecology and while it doesn’t get serious, if those words make you uncomfortable scroll on by. I mean we started this journey with those words many months ago so….Lol. If you’re good, carry on.)

A couple of weeks ago I got a strange call. I mean it’s not strange per se, but in light of circumstances I thought it was strange. “It’s time to schedule your yearly appointment.” Y’all of the female persuasion know where the “yearly appointment” takes place and if not, ask a friend (and you’re probably overdue for the fun).

My first thought was, I thought we were done with that. But being non confrontational (lol) and knowing there’s still some things that are not functioning appropriately, I went ahead and made the appointment.

The first thing she said to me after “hi” was “Are you enjoying life without a uterus?” Well that was blunt. I must have looked at her funny and honestly I was like um what? She followed with, without the consequences of having a uterus anyway?

I thought about it afterwards. When someone asks me what I enjoy, I might say chocolate, art, puppies, time with friends. I’m pretty certain life without a uterus would not be on the list. But while I’ve dealt with the negative repercussions a lot, I haven’t stopped to remember there are parts I do actually enjoy. (End woman talk lol)

But isn’t it that way with life in general. My life doesn’t look like what I planned out in the grand scheme, but there are parts (a great many parts) that I do actually enjoy. There’s ugly, gross parts that I don’t love, but it’s a good life. So, why do we focus on the ugly, gross parts?

I would say the good parts way outnumber the bad in my life, and yet I tend to focus on the bad more. I have the curse of the over-analytical brain, and I often sit around trying to figure out what I did wrong to yield this outcome and why things are still not working out like I want them to. Why am I still living this life when I’d rather live a different one? Why do doors look like they are going to open only to slam back shut? Why don’t things just work out? Why am I the only one?

It’s easier to focus on the negative because these are the things that hold such force in our lives. It’s hard, for me anyway, to celebrate little victories. And quite honestly it’s awkward for you to celebrate them for me. But that’s what happens. You see a victory and get excited for me, and I don’t know how to react to you now because I am still thinking about the things that weren’t victories.

Even in the good things, I seem to want to focus on what we’re going to do when “the bottom falls out” because it “always does” and yet it doesn’t. Not always.

Y’all know I have been buying a house. The blue door. (It’s a previous post if you stumbled here.). I didn’t tell anyone for a while. (I mean it wasn’t a long while because this has only been occurring for like 3 weeks.). The reason I didn’t was I didn’t want to have to come up with an explanation of why it didn’t work out. Every time there was a house-buying “milestone” (offer, inspection, appraisal, etc.) I thought, ok here goes. This is where it’s not going to work out. And yet it kept moving forward, and everything was working out. But my brain kept thinking ok, is this where it’s going to hit a snag? What snag are we going to hit now?

Even as I’ve started packing some things, I’m thinking well purging is good, and I’ll just pack the things that won’t take me that long to put back when it doesn’t work out. Why? Why is that my thought process? Why am I not celebrating the victories and all the blessings instead of waiting for the “well better luck next time”?

I need to stop living life in the negatives. Maybe some things have not worked out because I’m not ready for them yet. Maybe there’s still lessons to be learned where I’m at to prepare me for a better future (or a different future). “Everything has a reason.” I told you recently how I feel about that phrase, but it’s true I suppose. Even in the bad things, God gives us a limp, and it turns out to be a blessing.

In Genesis 32:22-32, Jacob wrestled with “a man” all night. He demands a blessing from him and comes out of the fight with a limp and a blessing. Or as Annie F. Downs points out in Remember God, maybe the limp is the blessing.

Maybe part of keeping my spiritual balance comes from limping forward through whatever season comes my way. Remember God

When life is hard and challenges happen and we walk through hard seasons or even wrestle with the hard stuff, we are always touched by it. It’s not always something we can hide because it becomes a part of who we are. But if we change our focus from the negative to remember that these scars are reminders of what we’ve been through and the places God has carried us through, we can shift our focus from the negative to celebrating the weird stuff. The good stuff. The blessings in disguise.

This season has been so hard. But I feel it maybe ending somehow. I hope that’s true. Maybe in this tough month of October, the end to this season that I have been walking through for a year or so will come. Maybe I can be thankful this year for the good things. Maybe through the struggles, I can learn to separate the bad from the good and enjoy the good parts. Maybe I can learn to stop anticipating the bad and hope for the good. Maybe we’ll even find joy at Christmas this year.

I’ll always have the scars of what’s happened throughout this crazy life. The bad things are a part of who I am. The backstory of my life I’ve talked about before. But without what has happened in this current season, I wouldn’t be where I am. I would miss out on all the good things that have happened as a result of this season. I would miss all the people that God has brought to my life in this season who have become dear to me and have helped hold me up and pray for me when I can’t do it myself.

The brokenness, the heartbreak, the challenge is still present, but so is the superglue that puts it all back together. But like a cracked vase, you’ll always be able to tell what it’s been through, but sometimes the beauty is in the cracks.

Heal the wounds but leave the scars. A reminder of how merciful You are. I am broken torn apart. Take the pieces of this heart and heal the wounds but leave the scars. Point of Grace

So now the challenge is to make a conscious effort to shift the thinking and focus on the blessings and the joy. The challenges and struggles will always be there, but so will the blessings if we really look for them. And eventually my life will work out just the way it was supposed to, even if that’s nothing like I planned.

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