life, My Faith

Broken isn’t pretty but it’s ok

I think I’ve shared this picture before. I was going to look, but this theme is on my mind tonight. That’s how I blog, if you’re curious. Something is heavily on my mind and forms into a full idea and I feel compelled to share it here. Today I’ve thought a lot about brokenness.

I know I’ve said in the past that I’ve been very much broken; you’ve seen it if you’ve been around. I found reassurance in the part where God told me he can still use broken people. Before when I’ve come to this theme, it was because I was feeling especially broken or had been, but this time is different.

I’m still a little broken because I always will be. The scars of the path will always be mine to carry. My story carries through to all the future stories in some way.

Today I’ve been reflecting on the last month and thinking of the ways my people helped me through the broken. I’ve been thinking of the ways I normally handled broken. And I’ve thought of how wrong my ideas were. So I feel compelled to share them on the chance that I can save someone a path of hardship.

I didn’t always have a strong relationship with God. You know that. But I always had that still small voice telling me right from wrong. I also had that other one. You know the one giving me bad information; telling me the lies. I wasn’t good at telling them apart.

When it came to brokenness and to any of the unlovely moments, those lies were, “don’t let people see that. Don’t let them see the broken. If you do, they won’t like you. You’ll be too much for them. You’ll be a bother. Be perfect for the people. They are here for your good Christian words. They aren’t here for the broken.”

Ya. I bought those lies all the way. I have to be perfectly honest and tell you I still fight that lie. I still struggle with the desire to put up the perfect good girl, Christian face. To fake it until I make it.

You know about October. (If you don’t, there are previous blogs). This October was rough. In the midst of all the things that happened, and in the part where it got to be almost too much for me, God prompted me to reach out to my people. To tell my people I was struggling. But what else happened? You guessed it. That other voice told me not to bother people. The lie said not to show them the dark broken or they wouldn’t love me. “They won’t love you that way. You’re no good to them so broken.” And I put the phone down and didn’t send the text.

Almost 2 hours of crying later, I picked up the phone again. The lies were still there, and I still believed that if I let them in they wouldn’t like me, but I’d reached the point that I no longer cared. I didn’t like me; why should they?

The text said: “I don’t normally ask this so I don’t even know, but just pray for me. I’m really struggling this week. It’s gonna be fine but ya. Just idk.” And I hit send.

Immediately the liar…why did you do that? Now you’ve opened a can. You’re going to have to explain yourself and they aren’t going to love you anymore. Good job. You’ve just lost your people.

But I didn’t care. I was too broken to care. And I needed something.

And guess what? The lies were wrong. They surrounded me and loved me more than I deserved. And I let at least one of them all the way into the broken because I didn’t have the strength to keep her out any more. She didn’t run. She wasn’t repulsed. If anything she loved me better for it. She loved me well through it all. She wasn’t trite and fake. She just let me grieve and be broken and do what I needed to do and just sat there in it with me.

I’m still in awe that they love me in spite of me. One of the even told me “by the way, it’s not hard to love you, you know.” But I didn’t know. I still don’t always. Because I find it very hard to love me sometimes, I assume other people feel the same way. I feel if I’m not providing some vital service they might no longer have need of me. It’s happened before.

But it doesn’t happen with your people. So if you’re reading this and you have ever felt this way or have ever struggled to let people in, just do it. It’s hard. It hurts. And it’s super scary. But the right people will stick around through it all. Will everyone? Maybe not. But those who are your people will.

Be real. Be who God made you to be and allow people to walk with you. When they were crossing the sea and Moses had to keep his arms up, he couldn’t do it alone. Why do I think I can? Why do I think there’s some Superman trophy at the end of life if I completed it alone?

Y’all life is so much better with people. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Find your people and love them well. Find your people and let them love you well.

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