life

Welcome back old devils

This week has been a little quiet here because it has been a little loud in real life.

2018 has been a rough year. It has now seen the return of not one but two devils that I thought were under control.

15-20 years ago, before I was a medical professional, my body self destructed. I learned words like PCOS and went to the gynecologist for the first time. (Yes I know that was late…I would never had gone if it weren’t for that devil). Not long after that my heart started doing weird things and I started seeing a cardiologist for the first time. While he was a fun guy, it was not a fun time.

We did all the testing, multiple times. 48 hr heart monitors, 30 day heart monitors, nuclear testing, all the things. “It won’t kill you until it does” and “You just have to get used to it” was the conclusion. And I did.

It got to the point where I could have PVCs and not even miss words or stop what I was doing. It would occasionally jump into SVT (a fast rhythm) and I knew the tricks to get it out so I didn’t say anything. Nobody ever knew it happened but me. I took the meds. I still take them.

PCOS and my heart were both controlled with medications. Then at the beginning of the year PCOS decided not to be, and we’ve spent the year discussing what that led to. Wednesday, my heart followed suit, just like last time, only worse.

I was at work, doing normal things, slapping dressings on stuff and I felt some skips. I kept doing the things. Then it skipped some more. Then…it took off. I did what I always do. I excused myself from the room and went to make it stop. Only instead of slowing down, it went from 160s to 180s, and it started getting scary. I didn’t want to involve anyone but I had to because I couldn’t breathe and it hurt. And I ended up in the ER.

Thankfully it decided the fun was over on its own but it was definitely scary and annoying, but mostly scary. And I couldn’t control it.

So here we go again, deja vu. I am the winner of another heart monitor sometime soon. I also have been significantly slowed down as I both feel like I’ve been hit by a bus and can not outrun my heart and speed it up. Ain’t nobody got time for that.

It’s been another humbling experience of 2018. I am thankful for my people, one of whom sat around in the dark that night and made sure I didn’t die. (Who wants that fun job?). It made me feel both bad and grateful because no one should have to do that but yet I am grateful that someone cares enough to do that.

I don’t know where this train will take us this time. And that’s never good. Especially this time of year, I just want to feel normal and do all the things I need to do. I mean I don’t have any Christmas presents yet even. But it is what it is, and here we go again.

I don’t know what the lesson is this time, but I guess I didn’t last time either. I just know I’m still not strong with faith that everything will work out. I am still sometimes (last night for one) afraid to go to sleep at night again.

So ya…I mean I don’t even know what else to say but that’s where we are. I don’t have any big lessons for you. I’m just processing and trying to figure out how to navigate the old devils that insist on returning with a vengeance. This time I say we destroy the self-destruct button when we’re through.

I had high hopes for this season, but here we are. I mean I still have some hope that it’ll come out okay in the end. I guess we’re still receiving limps with the blessings. I just hope we’re a little heavier on the blessings soon.

If the lesson I’m supposed to learn is “I have no control”, I get it. I still don’t like it but I get it. Also the song Stand in the Rain, by Superchick, came on last night (an old song for an old problem). It said all the things.

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