life, My Faith

Hard lessons

Tonight I was convicted a little. I think maybe I came to some realizations that I don’t necessarily like and might not be entirely comfortable with, but these realizations are no less true.

First, it’s ok to need people. Yes it’s easier and safer to be the one meeting the needs. I’m comfortable in that role. I can protect my vulnerable heart when I’m the one serving more than when I’m the one served, but sometimes you just need people.

As I think about the number of times in the last week and a half I sat alone in the dark, broken and wishing someone was there, I realize that they are. But the problem is I have to swallow my pride and admit that I need them. God reminded me today of my people and how amazing they truly are. Why is it so hard to go to one of these amazing people and admit that I need them? I don’t know the answer.

Second, it’s okay to not have it together. It doesn’t feel nice to be the person at the brink of tears all day finally crying on the couch with your person. Yet, it also feels liberating and soul cleansing and all the things it needs to be to be that person. And at the end of it all when your person gives you the one thing you’ve wanted all week, for someone to wrap their arms around you and tell you that you’re going to be ok, you know what a gift and a treasure they are. And you know, too, that they would have done it at any point in the week had you just said something.

Why are we here going through yet another challenge in a season that was supposed to be for blessings? Maybe because there are still lessons to be learned. Maybe because I am trying to over-control my life again. Maybe because Christmas brings out my all or nothing personality more than any other season. Maybe because there are still blessings in the hard stuff.

Tonight my people are my blessings. They remind me that no matter what I’m facing they still love me and they’ll always be here for me. My problem is I don’t want to be a bother to people. I don’t want to be that person again, the one that needs support, the one that needs a little extra love. But here we are. At the threshold of all the unknowns and not knowing how to process any of it. Overwhelmed and afraid. Knowing too much but not enough at the same time.

I want to be the one that has it all together. I want to be the one that has amazing Christmas presents for every person on my list. The one that can support her people at the drop of a hat.

But here I sit. The one who doesn’t have hardly anything together. The one who has hardly any Christmas presents a mere 10 days before Christmas. The one that needs supporting.

I’m not comfortable with that person. But the more I try to pretend she is not me, the worse it gets. Because for some reason, in this season, that is the character I am. I would rather play a different part, but this is the one I am playing.

All of the things lately seem overly dramatic and too much and I fear that sometimes I am both of those things. I fear that my people will grow tired of me and that I will never again have it together. I don’t want to be this person. I want to be the best version of myself. But sometimes it’s darkest before the dawn as they say.

I don’t know the outcome. I don’t know the future. I only know one thing. I am blessed by the people God has placed around me. I hope they always know how much they do bless me.

I want to love them well, but maybe a part of that is learning to let them love me well. To let them close enough that it might hurt, but close enough that it might just heal.

I hope this week brings answers and peace. I hope this week I can remember to just breathe, to embrace the good and the bad.

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