I was reading Everyday Holy by Melanie Shankle, and she talks about the need to stop asking God why things are happening and instead asking Him where we are going. But it’s so much easier to ask why.
I think when I think about the question, where are we going, I almost want to pose it with a sigh and an eye roll, like a child who’s tired of being drug around to all the places she doesn’t want to go. Like, “God, where are we going now?” But then I think we might be back in the faith territory.
The funny thing is I’ve had numerous conversations about faith with people I respect and I think I’ve discovered maybe we all have trouble with complete faith. Maybe faith is a constant struggle and no one really has it on lock down. I don’t know why, but that made me feel better. I know I still need to strive to have more faith, but yet it makes me feel like less of a failure to still be struggling with that very thing that everyone else seems to be struggling with too.
The literal season is changing. Christmas is over and 2018 is mercifully drawing to a close. With all the good of 2018 (and there’s been a lot of good) I’m not sad to see it go because there’s been a lot of bad. But as we look to 2019, I know there’s no guarantee that it’s going to be any better, though I so desperately need it to be.
Change is in the air. So many things are changing and yet for a person who doesn’t like any change, I so much hope for change this year. I don’t know where we’re heading and I pray to be okay with that. I would rather be more like a preschooler who’s excited to be along for the ride than a teenager who is very annoyed by the journey.
I guess I pray for an attitude shift. I hope to be able to embrace the trials and see them as opportunities for God to show incomprehensible grace and mercy to me.
I need to refocus my energy not on the not so awesome things that are surrounding and overwhelming me but on where we might be headed. I need to focus on the lessons more than the hardships. I need to see the blessing in the limp, even if the limp feels so overwhelming as it does right now.
I need to find the faith that no matter where God is taking me, I’m just glad to be in the metaphorical car with Him. I need to focus on my relationship with Him more than the one with people, but continue to be excited and blessed when He chooses to use my people to heal my wounded soul. And honored when He allows me to bless them.
Today has been a struggle in a lot of ways. I feel like I’ve been physically and mentally beat down and I cannot even pinpoint why. I think I find myself needing a time out again. Yet I press on and look forward to the time out with my people that’s coming in about a month and will look for mini-time outs in the coming weeks hopefully. I don’t know where we’re going and I don’t know when we’ll get there but I will try to have faith that the Driver has it all under control.