life, My Faith

I’m tired of character

I’m about to say something that some of you might not like, but it’s a question I have today. And, honesty always. How do we keep praying for miracles when they just don’t seem to ever actually happen?

So many times in the past people pray with expectations for healing and yet that person dies anyway. I remember praying with others, expecting a miracle, when someone had a brain tumor….or cancer…or most recently a baby that stopped breathing for no apparent reason. Yet, there were no miracles to be found.

I mean I want to say “God, think of the cool story that person’s life will be for you if you just heal them.” But I guess cool stories was not what He needed.

I don’t know. It’s faith again, that tricky part. Trying in the midst of all the struggles to find faith in the midst of a fallen world. It’s hard and definitely low on the fun factor. I want to have the faith that everything will work out, but so many times I’ve seen it doesn’t, at least not the way we wanted it to.

People die. Bad things happen. Even my heart deciding, once again, to flip into its weirdo rhythm tonight and holding me hostage for a while before I decided it was safe to drive home…more challenges. (It’s fine.)

I was watching the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader show (I know…but I’m about to make a point besides my questionable show choices) and the girl was getting cut again for I think like the 3rd year, and she said something like, “why do you keep bringing me here just to do this to me. It’s mean.”

I kind of understand that spiritually though. Like “God I expected a miracle this time, but there wasn’t one again. Why do you keep doing that? It’s mean.” Don’t worry. God and I have talked about it a lot today.

Tonight I sat down with my (In)courage Bible. (Actually, I sat down with the community copy. Long story short, my people and I are starting to pass around a copy of this Bible to read, highlight and make notes in.). I decided to embark upon the “Scared Brave” devotional plan; I have no idea why. The first one comes from Esther 4.

I know people have mixed feelings about the book of Esther, but it’s my favorite. (I know people say God isn’t mentioned in it, but He is all over it.). Anyway, this chapter I always kind of glossed over; it’s just part of the story. It’s the chapter where Mordecai tells Esther the Jews are going to be killed and she needs to talk to the king, but she knows she might be killed because she wasn’t invited.

Esther didn’t know what would happen. She might have died anyway. But she knew God was faithful to her in the past, and she believed He would continue to be. Her life was not always easy, especially in the beginning but “she remembered the faithfulness of God in every moment that He had led her to before this one.”

We know the story ends well for her, but even if it hadn’t, she went boldly on in faith. And maybe that’s the answer. Maybe these challenges are molding character and producing endurance, the makings of bravery for whatever life throws next. (Life, please be kinder). Maybe affliction still comes, but God’s grace carries us through, even when the outcome isn’t what we’d hoped.

I think maybe we have to be challenged to continue to trust, to continue to fight for faith. Esther 4:14 says, “if you keep silent at this time, relief and deliverance will come to the Jewish people from another place, but you and your father’s family will be destroyed.” God’s will will be done with or without us. I don’t want to miss out on the blessing of being part of it.

And so I guess I still don’t understand why miracles seem so hard to come by, but I know I must keep fighting for faith, even when it’s hard. I need to remember the grace that has gotten me this far, even when it seems so long ago. And so we press forward, hopefully in faith.

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