Yesterday was rough. God and I did some wrestling last night; y’all saw a little of that on two separate blog posts. Today I feel it deep in my bones.
My heart goes into a fun rhythm called SVT sometimes. Afterward, depending on how long it hung out there, I get what is affectionately known as the SVT hangover. Basically it means I feel like I got hit by a bus. My head hurts, I’m dizzy, my whole body hurts sometimes and I’m exhausted. And I just kind of have to sleep it off. Heart rates 160s and up will do that to you.
I say that to say I feel a little of that today, only there was no funny business with the heart yesterday (thank goodness). It’s a little different though. My head still hurts and I’m exhausted but I’m also both emotionally raw and spent. I think it’s the consequence of wrestling with God last night.
Today I was thankful when the people I was supposed to have lunch with cancelled, not because I didn’t want to spend time with them, but because I was spent. Instead I put on my comfy clothes and went to the noon service that my church is doing this week. But even there I wanted to retreat into aloneness, so I was not sad when I came and left without much interaction with anyone but God.
As I was driving away, the song “Here’s my heart” by Lauren Daigle came on.
Here’s my heart, Lord. Speak what is true.
And through tears I said that to Him. Because what I’m hearing I know isn’t truth. What I’m telling myself isn’t truth. But it’s hard to not believe it.
And what I feel He said was, “Satan is attacking you hard right now because I want to use you. If he can break you, it’ll be harder for me to use you. Don’t let him break you. Listen to my words instead.”
I am found, I am Yours. I am loved. I’m made pure. I have life. I can breathe. I am healed. I am free.
And it continues to say about God:
You are strong. You are sure. You are life. You endure. You are good, always true. You are light breaking through.
You are more than enough. You are here. You are love. You are hope. You are grace. You’re all I have. You’re everything.
Here’s my life Lord. Speak what is true.
And that’s where we are. In need of pouring truths in to drown out the lies. Trying to grasp onto His promises so He can do great things.
My heart is wounded. Isn’t that funny that my spiritual heart and my physical heart are both a little glitchy right now? I guess at the same time I’m gearing up to take my physical heart to the cardiologist, I need to take my spiritual heart to the Great Physician.
I need to lean into God’s truths and dive into what He says about me in order to be able to discern truth from lies. I’m not perfect, much to my disappointment, but He never expected me to be.
I started reading a book about holiness. I like when she says something to the effect that we have to find a balance between grace and holiness. Too far on the spectrum of grace and we have free reign to do whatever. Too far on the holiness side and we’re never good enough. I’ve tried to embrace grace, and mostly failed. Grace is hard for a perfectionist because if I need grace, I’m failing in some way. I think I need to head toward holiness and find the balance between the two. I don’t know what that means yet. But I’m on a quest to find out.
And tonight I am ready for sleep, as my mind and body are worn down. Tomorrow we begin again, embracing success and failures and remaining unbreakable, but still a little bruised. Maybe we’re even limping still from wrestling. But we embark on a quest…to find truths that drown out the lies. To be the person that God says I am.