Woah. Calm down. I was not about to get into some theological science debate when I made that title, but did it get your attention?
What I mean to say is I believe in my evolution as a person, and yours too. I think if we are doing life right we are constantly analyzing and learning, growing through what we go through as we’ve all heard from the pulpit at some point. Basically life’s lessons are numerous and many and the things you learn can do one of two things, change you or break you. And I already said I’m trying to live unbreakable.
Today has been a day of couch living. (On the upside I got a new one and have had the opportunity to try out various positions on it until I found “the one” which wasn’t originally the goal for the day, but I digress). Yesterday a headache started, the likes of which I’ve only had once in my life. At that time I was working in a doctor’s office and he told me that I wasn’t dying and sent me home with a migraine medicine sample. It worked and I didn’t die. So I can only assume it was a migraine again yesterday that followed me into today. Since I only had one before about 10 years ago I do not have access to migraine remedies at home. Since my heart has been special, otc migraine medicines with caffeine, probably not advised. Anyway, last night the rest of the migraine symptoms showed up (I won’t go into details. If you have them, you know. If you don’t just be glad in your ignorance.). Because of this and the fact that the headache raged all night and into today, I didn’t go to work today.
In case you’re wondering, it has mostly passed; the lights are back on and as long as I don’t put my hair up or lift my head suddenly, I’m functional. So basically I can sit here in my spot and not move and I’m good. It’s only a dull roar left. (For those of you concerned in other ways, yes I’ve kept an eye on my pressure and my heart. No I don’t think they were the cause.). Anyway, I fully expect to be back to action tomorrow, which is a good thing because I don’t have a maid and I need one before Goals Weekend. Also I have a lot more days of work to go.
This afternoon when the lights and sounds were no longer offensive, I got on instagram and was randomly scrolling. I stumbled upon a repost on Priscilla Shirer’s page from something Kirk Franklin posted that her dad, Dr. Tony Evans said (um…am I the only one on the planet that didn’t know he was her dad?). Anyway, it was good and it spoke to me today. I typed it out on my notepad, so I’m just gonna screenshot it here:
Wow.
I sent the video to three of my people. And then I posted this screenshot for the rest of them. That’s good stuff right there and maybe the root of some of my problems. You see I’ve been looking for the big stuff; I want God to use me in the big stuff. I want to matter. I want to have a bigger reach. I want to do something and do it well. And I get frustrated in the mundane places I’m in right now. I’m malcontented. But, God has given me skills and talents that He wants to use right here, right now, right where He has me in this moment. I’m going to miss the opportunities to be used by Him in this season if I’m disgruntled about where I am.
Do I wish my life looked different? In a lot of ways, yes. I had a plan and this wasn’t it. Have I been blessed by a lot of things? Yes. My home, my people, my church, so many things. But I had bigger plans for my life, or different ones anyway. I keep trying to rearrange the puzzle to achieve my definition of “success”, to hold onto things that aren’t mine and push away things that are. And, it’s not working. But maybe I’m trying to broaden my scope before God is ready to. Maybe He wants me to show Him that He can use me right here before He sets me on a different path.
Have you ever baked with a kid? I have 3 nieces and I like to bake so I have. The first time (or any time if they’re under a certain age) do you let them crack the eggs straight into the bowl? If you do, you are more free spirited than I (read crazy). No, you give them a bowl and you make them prove they can crack the eggs without shells in a bowl by itself (and you pick out the shells because spoiler alert…they can’t). Maybe that’s what God is doing. Prove to me that you can handle what I’ve given you. Show me that you can at least pick out your own shells. Then I’ll let you into bigger things, like cracking those eggs right into the batter because I know even if you get shells, you’re gonna recognize and pick them out.
I need to quit thinking I’m less because I haven’t achieved what I thought I would. I need to quit judging myself by the standards of a type A overachiever. I need to look to my successes, no matter how much smaller they are than I thought they would be. I need to focus less on me and what I have achieved and more on Jesus. I need to ask Him every day, “Lord, how can you use me today?” And stop asking, “Lord, can you make this better? Can you make this a good day? Can you give me a different life?” Because when it’s not a good day, I think of all the ways I failed that day. It’s all about me and my success in my mind and all the people who do it better than I do. If I shift my focus to Him, I can say, “you know what. This day was awful, but God used me for…”. And I can find success in that.
I received in the mail today the book I’m reviewing next as a B&H/Lifeway blogger and it’s called Afraid of All the Things by Scarlet Hiltibidal. I’ve only just started reading it. At first I was thinking, someone’s overly dramatic with worry, but then I started to see myself in that. (I mean I used to get in trouble for not flushing the toilet because my brother told me once the sound was warriors coming to tomahawk my rear. AND I BELIEVED HIM. So then to avoid getting in trouble, I would flush and run for my life). If I told you all the things I was afraid of growing up, you would think me overly dramatic as well (I mean assuming you don’t already). There will be more on this book when I finish and review it but I thought the quote below fit into what I was saying. I need my identity to start revolving around Jesus and not around whatever success or failure I invent for myself when I compare my performance and my life with others. I need to stop focusing on all the things that can, and sometimes do, go wrong and focus on what God has for me. In that I may find joy and contentment in where He has me right now, while I do still pray that He will find me worthy to broaden my scope one day.
So that’s my challenge for you today. Find where you can use your gifts where He has you now. Find your identity in Him. And watch the rest fall into place. I’ll try if you will.
This Season.... 