life, My Faith

Is it even raining?

To say this has been a rough week is an understatement. I have been frustrated with somethings, annoyed with others, and physically sick and tired on top of it all. I’m just flat worn out in all the ways.

God and I have had a lot of conversation this week. If you don’t hold conversations with God, you should. All you have to do is talk to Him and He’ll talk back. Audibly? Well, sometimes but not usually. But you’ll know it’s Him. Do you tell Him when you’re just plain mad and confused by what He’s doing? I mean, I do. He already knows my heart, so why not have a chance to talk it out?

There’s a lot of things we’ve been talking about. I still am trying to understand how to pray with faith when it seems like the miracles don’t happen, at least not the big ones. I’m struggling to see the plan for my life when my plans haven’t panned out and I don’t know the future. (Y’all know by now how much that makes me crazy). The next two weeks hold some potential game changers medically with some new doctors joining the journey. (To say I’m excited to add new “friends” is an untruth, but it must be done). I’m pretty sure if I go in like I usually do with my “here’s the plan as I see it and I just need you to sign off on it”, they will pat me on the head and sit me down for the real plan. Can I just get a preview of what’s going to happen, God?

Anyway, a little bit ago I decided to venture to Walmart. Usually I go to Target, but my “necessary” item was a lid for my mason jar and I already looked at Target. As I was walking toward the entrance this guy started walking with me. He said, “it’s getting crazy in there. Everyone’s getting ready for the storm.” At first I thought, who is this strange person? (Then I noticed he worked there so whatever). But my second thought was, it’s 59 degrees. It’s sunny. I’m not even cold and I’m always cold. What storm are you talking about? But I didn’t want to question, just get my lid and my “provisions” and move on.

Now to be fair, there’s a little rain (maybe sleet) in the forecast for overnight. And it’s supposed to be cold. But the radio said nothing about crippling storms. (Once inside, I was also confused about this man’s definition of chaos anyway, but that’s another story.). I got my provisions: a mason jar with a lid (because they were out of the separate lids) and cold brew coffee. With these two items I can take whatever Mother Nature throws at me. Just kidding.

When I got in my car, I pulled up the weather just to make sure I hadn’t missed something. Nope. Still the same. And God said to me, how many times do you do that? How many times do you see a little rain and prepare for a tsunami? (Ok but…) How much can you actually prepare for the worst case scenario in every situation? (Have you met me?) Have you ever even encountered “worse case scenario”? (Uh, once, God, I think I did.). Do you get any peace out of being prepared for disaster? (Probably not.)

So that’s it. That’s the weird lesson from my trip to Walmart. Stop inventing storms. Bad things do happen. Sometimes it does snow. Can it snow tomorrow? Sure. Will it? Who knows…I live in Oklahoma. The weather does whatever it wants here. Could it also be 100 degrees and sunny? Again…Oklahoma. No telling.

Bad things can happen. Bad things have happened and do happen. But more good things than bad have happened proportionally, so the track record would say to prepare for the blessings would be a better use of my time. And being prepared doesn’t give peace. In fact it may actually steal peace. In fact it may invent storms that never actually happen.

Do I know what the next couple of weeks may bring? Again…no. But am I making a tsunami out of a little sprinkle? I hope so. But if the tsunami comes, I know that God will see me through it. He always does. Will I still struggle? Ya. I’m not there yet in the place where I can rest in complete faith. I’m working on it.

But the thing is, He tells me He wants to protect me, to provide for me, to let me live a full and abundant life where He has me. Does He want more for me? I hope so. I really do. But like I said yesterday, I’m being convicted that I need to let Him use me where I am currently and quit looking for bigger and better, all the while still praying that He’ll broaden my reach.

Will life get easier? I don’t know. I mean I hope so. I need a little break in the action. But even if not, God, bring me to the place where I know you’re still good.

This week has been challenging and hard and a little lonely, but next week is coming. Will it be challenging too? Ya. I can already see where its challenges lie. Nevertheless, God can get me through it. Wherever we’re going at least we’ll get there eventually, maybe road weary and beat up a little, but we’ll still make it in the end. And if the storm comes? At least it’s not the first storm He’s walked through so He knows what He’s doing.

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