Yesterday I posted a quote that was very much how I felt: “God, I don’t know if you’re still good anymore, but I know that I still want you. I don’t want to live without you.” I didn’t completely trust in the goodness of God because when my circumstances are hard, when it looks like the ship is sinking, I don’t understand. When I pray for change and change doesn’t come, when I pray for healing for someone who dies anyway, I can’t comprehend. When things don’t work out like I want them to, when I feel that I have control over nothing, I don’t know that God is kind.
The second part of the quote is good. I do still want Him and I don’t want to live without Him. I can’t imagine trying to navigate this crazy world without Him. But the goodness of God? I don’t know.
Tonight my church had a worship night for all the campuses. (My church is a smaller campus that along with several others comes from the big campus.). We all came together tonight for a worship night. It was, as always, great.
Tonight at one point at the end of a song, the old chorus started being sung:
God you’re so good. God you’re so good. God you’re so good. You’re so good to me.
And tears fell and the quote from yesterday came to my mind. And God spoke to my heart. “You don’t KNOW that I’m good. You don’t FEEL like I’m good. But the good news is my goodness doesn’t depend on you.” His goodness has nothing to do with my circumstances. His goodness has nothing to do with how I feel. His goodness has nothing to do with me at all. He has been and always will be good whether or not I recognize it, whether or not I feel it.
But in that moment, I did feel it despite my circumstance, despite how I felt. I DO know that God is good. I DO know that He is kind. I also know this life is hard. I know this world is unkind and bad things do happen, but the good part is I am not in it alone no matter how much I isolate myself or feel alone.
He loves me enough to volunteer to fight my battles. He loves me enough that He sent His son to die for me. He will fight for me regardless of if I deserve it. He continues to pursue me despite my failings, despite the fact that I was mad at Him only two days ago because of the number of tiles on my wall among other things. Nothing He does or will do is dependent on me, my feelings or my circumstances.
Last week was hard. Last week almost did me in. But this week, I’m relying on the goodness of God to get me through all the things: three days of work, a doctor’s appointment and all the things. He doesn’t need me to do anything but give it to Him. He doesn’t need me to worry about how rough a work day might be or how many staff members we may or may not have. He doesn’t need me to worry about starting back up with a brand new cardiologist after a 7ish year break. He doesn’t need me to worry about the future. He doesn’t need me to be afraid of anything. All He needs from me is my heart and the trust that He is fighting for me. He needs me to give it to Him and then do the next right thing and then the next.
So basically I need to stop worrying about whether or not I think God is good or God is kind because it doesn’t matter what I think. He just is those things because He says He is. My circumstances are just that. Circumstances. Circumstances can change, but God does not. And that’s all I need to know. And I only have one job. I need only be still.