Tonight I sat (again) on the couch of my person while a mix of exhaustion and the cruelties of this world threatened to overwhelm. And once again she put me back together. She jokes that her house is the hospital. I joke that she should bill me. (I mean at this point she probably should, but I’m grateful that she doesn’t cuz she’d just have to get in line.)
Just when I think I’m over the last hurdle and ready with resolve to move forward and seek direction on what God has called me to do, another hurdle comes out of nowhere and threatens to take me down. I want to give up. I want to say, never mind. I’ll go back to the way it was before, when God and I were barely on speaking terms, when the fact that He broke my trust so long ago still hurt deep. When the devil left me alone because I wasn’t causing him any trouble.
But, “how much do you really want it?” That’s what I read in the devotional in the (In)courage Bible tonight. And God said to me, ya. How much do you want it? I know you don’t trust me, but I can get you through all the attacks, all the things. But how much do you want it?
I’m not strong enough for this fight. You picked the wrong person. God, I’m not even completely sure what You’re calling me to is even a thing. I am not sure I can do it. And even if I can do it, I have no idea how to do it. And God, my heart can’t be broken any more; I can’t keep expecting people to superglue me back together.
Maybe not. But you can expect Me to and maybe they are My hands and feet. Do you trust me?
I don’t know. I’m not sure.
Do you trust them?
Absolutely and with my whole heart.
And so I use them to take care of you, to show you that you can trust Me, until eventually you do trust Me absolutely and with your whole heart.
But God you’ve hurt me before….
I haven’t hurt you, but I’ve allowed you to be hurt. The world is a rough place, kid. I could protect you from all the things, but then you wouldn’t have any need to trust Me.
So what now?
How much do you want it? How much do you want to be used by Me?
I get it.
I told my people tonight that I don’t want to keep being that person, the person that needs people, the person that needs putting back together all the time. And that’s so true. I don’t. I’m not comfortable with weakness. I’d much rather fake strength; I’ve done that for so long. But I let down my guard with them, and I’ve lost the ability to fake strong. Besides they see through it anyway.
41 years I’ve faked strong. Sometimes I’ve been strong, but mostly I’ve faked it. I’ve faked perfection. I’ve dressed up the pig. And I’m so weary.
God says He can use broken, but He can’t use fake. And I’m tired of fake anyway.
I literally said tonight “I am so tired” and I meant it. I’m so tired y’all. Of all the things. I’m physically tired because this was a long weekend. But I’m tired of fighting in my own strength. I’m tired of battles. I’m tired of ducking punches. I’m tired of some of the punches landing. I’m tired of being “that person”.
I need rest.
But what I realize right now, sitting here in my empty house, is that there’s only one place I can find the rest I need, the rest my soul needs. At the feet of Jesus. At the feet of a God who knows me and made me and called me to….something. Will this road be easy? Nothing great ever is. Will I have to dodge punches? As long as this calling threatens the enemy then ya. I expect I will.
And so I take rest now, at the feet of God, because I’m so weary but I’m not ready to stop fighting. I need rest for the battle. I need to let someone else fight for a while. I need to work on my trust relationship with my God. I’m gonna need that in this journey.
And I need the love of my people for as long as they’ll put up with me, as long as God allows them to be mine. I hope that’s for a really long time.