life, My Faith

What if….Even if

Well this weekend was not supposed to look like it does. The sunset of my 41st year of life was supposed to be full of friends and fun and a road trip to see one of my favorites.

But then the event was cancelled so the road trip was cancelled and…here I am. Wandering around different places pretty much alone…well very much alone really.

Spending time by myself is not something I do well normally. I have always had FOMO (fear of missing out). I wonder what everyone else is doing while I’m not doing anything.

Parts of it have been great. Yesterday I called it a blessing. I’ve been to the beautiful park. I’ve read some. I’ve written some. I’ve drawn some. But now…I’m kinda over it. I’m sure that will pass.

It’s funny if I really think about it, it kind of makes sense for 41 to go out how it wasn’t supposed to. “It was supposed to…” has pretty much summed up the whole year. So much that happened was not on the list of hopes and dreams I had for my life. So it’s fitting that it goes out in much the same way…alone and looking for meaning in it all.

That’s not to say I would trade what has happened this year. I mean some of I wish hadn’t but in the same way I can see how it has shaped me this year. I can see this year as a mixed blessing. It was a year that brought me closer to God and helped me figure out some things about myself. It was a year that brought some interesting revelations and maybe even some aspirations. It’s a year that has tested me on every level and maybe blessed me on every level too.

But it’s been hard.

And maybe as I look around and grasp for meaning as I often do, I realize that this may be a time of transition in some ways and a time of staying the course in others.

I see the seasons changing. I see the natural ebb and flow, the editing of life that happens when people move in different directions. And parts of me wants to hold on so tight, white knuckle tight, because I don’t like change.

But maybe it’s time to open my hands to possibilities. Maybe it’s time to let go and realize some amazing things may have served their so important place in this season, but maybe they don’t in the next. Maybe they will still be here, but it’s time to realize that some things don’t last no matter how hard you try to make them. And in that you find the freedom to let go and say a heartfelt goodbye to those things.

And in that you learn to find new things that will serve this season well. Maybe for me to continue to evolve other things have to as well. And hopefully it won’t blow me off course as I hold on tight to my Anchor while letting go of other things.

And maybe nothing changes and maybe everything changes. But to still hold to truths and be okay in the “even if”, in the sacred middle, that is a blessing even if it hurts. And that’s where His kindness lies…in walking me through all the things.

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