life, My Faith

Death of a dream

I spent some time today reflecting and rereading where we’ve been. I felt compelled to start this blog a little over a year ago. As I reflect, it feels like so much longer than that as so much has happened. Much of it is found in coming to terms with a life that I didn’t dream of, a life much different from my plans.

In case you haven’t been rolling with me from the beginning, this blog was born in downtime and a lot of different feelings following the hysterectomy I had at 41 years old, never having been married or having had children. I’d be lying if I said that children were not in the plans I had for me. At one point I wanted 10 of them (which still sounds like a good, yet expensive and busy, life).

As I was looking on Facebook memories, the above quote came up from a year ago. If I only knew then what we would go through this year. The quote holds more meaning now for me. I have come a long way in embracing my story, the hard parts and the messy parts and the parts I wish I could deny. But God knew those would be a part of my story.

God knew that back in February or March I would lose the ability to pretend to have it all together, that I would “drop my basket” (an old Ya-Ya reference that I still like). God knew my own version of a “Ya-Ya sisterhood” would hold me together for a while and keep me afloat. (If y’all are missing the ya ya reference, Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood…it’s on Netflix). God knew I would have to fight for myself and my mental health for a while. God knew I’d forever have to own “depression” and “anxiety” as a part of myself, words I ran from for years.

And yet God still loves me, even with the cracks, even with imperfection, even if my basket hits the floor a few times. He’s not surprised; He knows everything about me. That’s a part that I can say I have mixed feelings about. I do wish it was different. I wish I didn’t have to fight that fight. Yet, I embrace where this journey has taken me. I’m grateful for the friends, amazing people, who fought for me when I couldn’t fight for myself. I am so grateful for resources, like my therapist who is amazing, that have helped me put the pieces back together again and keep fighting every day for myself. I’m grateful that at the bottom of the pit I could no longer deny the problem and had to face it dead on and name the thing. I’m grateful for the journey it’s taken me on with God and my friends. But it’s a hard part of the story to embrace.

Yet I will continue to embrace it because there are people who like me don’t feel like they can admit weakness. There are people who feel like the stigma will be too much. Those are the people that don’t know the freedom of embracing your weaknesses and getting help conquering some demons that may have plagued you for years. For them, I continue to embrace it.

But this journey hasn’t been what I always hoped for. The dreams I always had for myself are different from my reality, but in this season, I am learning to embrace those dreams. I’m learning to trust that God’s plans are better than mine.

I can feel a shift in the winds and while I’m not ready to say all the things, I may have a glimpse of what God has in store. But it involves first letting go of what I had in store. I heard someone say once that in order to dream a new dream, you sometimes have to let the old one die. You have to mourn it because it was big and important. But then you get to embrace a new dream. That’s where I’m at. I’m ready to embrace a new dream.

If you follow my Instagram page, you may have seen an explanation of a twitter controversy and the way I feel about it, yesterday. (If not I saved it to the highlights because I think it’s important). The controversy surrounded a tweet that said a girl’s highest and best calling was to be a wife and a mother.

For a while I was like, wow…I’m not sure how I feel about that. But as I saw more of my friends and acquaintances being hurt by that tweet, I realized how I felt about it and felt compelled to speak up.

I mean if that was my “highest and best” calling does that mean I failed if my life doesn’t look like that? (Y’all know by now how I feel about failure). Does that mean God loves me less because He may have called me to something different? Does it mean I sit in the corner and continue to wait to be wifed? And in post-hysterectomy land (or anyone else’s fertility struggles) does that mean I’m less than?

Basically what I said in a nut shell (the whole thing is on insta), is my highest and best calling is whatever God has called me to do! In this season, my highest and best calling doesn’t happen to be wife and mother because God hasn’t put that in my life. I have friends who maybe that is where they are doing the most work and I applaud them for that. It’s a tough job. And I in no way devalue what they are called to do.

That’s the whole thing right there. Whatever you are called to do, DO IT! Don’t worry so much about anyone else’s calling. Don’t let other people speak into your calling unless you’re sure they are sound Godly counsel.

My calling is just that, mine. God has, at this point, told me to tell 2 people. One for prayer and one for prayer and advice. I’m following God in His direction. I’m limiting the number of people who can speak into it, not because they are bad people or would not have good advice, but because I’m letting God call the shots this time. And the devil has gotten ahold of it before. I’m strengthening my armor to withstand his attack this time.

Right now I’m working hard on myself so that when the time comes, I will be strong and steeped in His word to withstand attack.

So whatever you’re called to do, do that thing. Whether it’s a big thing or a little thing, just do the thing. Don’t compare it to what other people are doing. Be who God called you to be in this season.

Embrace your story, the gross parts, the messy parts and the beautiful parts. Let people see your struggle sometimes because it’s part of your journey. My friend once told me, “you know when we can see where you are broken, we know how to love you better.” It’s so true.

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