life, My Faith

When a helper isn’t helping

I was having a conversation today with someone and we were talking about volunteering of sorts and I almost lamented that I felt like I didn’t do hardly anything anymore.

We were talking about the things that I used to do. I used to help with things during the week at the church, like helping with preschool stuff, organizing the occasional closet, and decorating for all kinds of things, from dinner with the pastor, to dedications, to women’s ministry things. And I haven’t done any of that for quite some time. The question came, why? I don’t really know. Someone else is doing it I guess.

As the conversation came back into my head this afternoon for some reason, another question came into my head:

Who are you when no one needs anything from you?

And somehow I think I understood. That question came as a challenge in the summer I think it was. And I honestly didn’t really know a good answer. As a strong enneagram 2, dysfunctional as I may be sometimes in that, my identity is largely in what I can do for people, in my talents and offerings. Without that, I didn’t have much.

And so maybe God took all that away. Without all that extra, I had time to figure out me. I had time to find out who I am. I had time to focus on what I needed to do for me instead of for all the people. And I needed to learn that it was ok to say no and let someone else do.

But it’s still hard sometimes. I want to do all the things. I want to show my worth. I want to help with whatever I can help with, but maybe this season is about sitting back and not doing. Maybe this season is about finding me without all the extra.

Am I good at the things I did? I mean I like to think so. But is my worth found in those things? It shouldn’t be. Would I still drop everything and come at the drop of a hat? Probably.

I miss those things. I miss decorating for events. I miss planning for those things. I miss the fun of it all.

But I have found peace in the journey and I think God made me realize tonight that it’s necessary for a season to just allow him to work on me. Not me in all the things, but just me, alone. He and I have worked hard on who I am and the work is not finished.

Who am I when no one needs anything from me? I am a beloved daughter of God who deserves to be loved, who deserves peace, and who is worth all the good things He wants to offer. I am being molded into whomever He has for me to be.

And all of that is pretty special. And all is it is enough.

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