This last week I was away from all the social media. It was hard, yet it was so good. Am I eager to do it again? No. But I feel like it’s needed to step away for a while. I had to delete all my apps because I know me and sure enough early on I was clicking where they should have been without thinking.
The first few days were tough. What were my internet friends up to? Fear of missing out is the real deal. But eventually I settled in to life without internet socializing and began to pay attention to other things.
One thing I noticed the most was the absence of something that had been a part of my life forever. Something came up and I thought, why don’t I feel that feeling in the pit of my stomach that something is wrong? You know the butterflies when you’re about to do something? Or that feeling that something is dreadfully wrong. I didn’t have that where I normally would. In fact I sat with myself and thought when was the last time I did feel that? I couldn’t remember.
That may not seem strange to you, but for me it’s just as normal an emotion as sadness, the feeling of impending doom. I can remember it way back when my brother was getting in trouble and it made me try to save him. I remember it anytime there was any conflict. I remember it any time I had to sing or talk in front of people. (The one exception was the stage. I never felt it there because I was someone else on the stage, a character.)
But I had to have a conversation that could have led to conflict and I didn’t feel any of that, only sadness because it was a sad situation. Even today as I was heading to a new job where I didn’t even know what I was going to do, I didn’t feel it at all.
And I smiled to myself because maybe I got the upper hand on you, Mr. Anxiety. I’m not celebrating long term because it was only right before Christmas that I had another anxiety attach again, albeit a small one, so the war is still on. But this battle…today…last week. The win goes to me this time….finally.
I’m not sure why I felt like saying all that but I want to remember what it feels like to win one for the next time maybe I don’t. Because if you know or love or are someone with this fight, you know it’s as back and forth as a tennis match sometimes.
But I think we might be entering a new season. I’ve shown you this phrase before. It hangs in my bathroom. It used to be on a sticky note but I decided it probably needed to be permanent.
For over a year it’s been a reminder that He is still good even when my life is not. But today I looked at it and a different thought came into my mind.
Maybe my circumstances are because of your goodness!
Maybe everything that has happened, is happening and will happen is because of His goodness. Maybe it brought me to this place where I could look with joy at where I am. Because of where I’ve been I’m more appreciative of the fact that where I am now is a direct result of so much prayer, not only by me but by the army that surrounds me.
I am blessed in this journey in so many ways. I can say even if this doesn’t feel good, you’re still good. But right now I can say, this feels good and I am oh so grateful.
I’ll build an altar of this rubble that you found me in and every stone will sing of what you can redeem.
Heal the wounds but leave the scars. A reminder of how merciful you are
(Point of Grace)