life, My Faith

All the giants

This morning as I sat in church listening to the first of a sermon series on facing your giants, the irony wasn’t lost on me. Exactly 3 years ago this journey started. Exactly 3 years ago today was probably the most pivotal moment of my adult life.

Not too long after this blog was born and while 2020 gave me no capacity to show up here or do anything that wasn’t required, I will try to do better.

After surgery 3 years ago, in my down time, I had some of the sweetest times getting to know God in a deeper way. I questioned a lot of things. I fought through a lot of things. In a lot of ways I came out on the other side a better person.

Not too long after I felt like there was more. I felt inspired by my people and felt a heart for all kinds of things. I had dreams and visions and all the hopes for what God could use me for.

But then… Ah well, a lot of stories have a “but then” I guess. But then…my giants showed up. And I did not fight them well. The enemy reminded me that this was not how I had planned my life to go. He taunted me with all that I had lost 3 years ago today.

And then…I nearly succumbed to depression…and anxiety, and I scared myself enough to fight a little. But the enemy told me that I would be of no use as broken as I was, and I believed him. I felt lost and alone and sad that all this hope and vision for the future could be ruined by my own imperfect stupidity.

The little fight I had left was spent fighting to save myself from myself. And it was a heck of a battle. It still is. It always will be.

But maybe today I thought back to the first part…the 3 years ago part…before the darkness, before the fear, before I almost wasn’t anymore. I thought back to the part where I knew God could use me and I desperately wanted him to. Full of vision and inspiration, I clung to the promises of my God like my life depended on it.

It’s time to fight the giant. Whatever comes. To cling to the promises of my God like my life depends on it…because it does.

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