life, My Faith

Fight it out

I’m pretty sure I’ve used this picture before. I found it in my Facebook memories. But I feel like it fits where I find myself again, fighting for faith.

Don’t hear that wrong. I still have faith deep down but there are things to wrestle out. Truthfully, I think I’m still wrestling out things that have never been truly wrestled all the way. These things have been a sticking point for a lot of my life, and I’ve fought them out before. (Pretty sure they’ve been fought out on this blog a few times). But part of what makes faith meaningful I think is the fact that you have to test it sometimes. You have to work it out. I mean even Paul tells the people to work out their salvation (Philippians 2:2). I think part of that is figuring out how your beliefs line up with the way things turn out sometimes.

I’m doing a big study with some people. When I say big, I mean it’s a lots of months commitment and it is really digging down deep. (Maybe some day we talk more about that.) But, it’s been good and hard. And I think what I’ve discovered is some of the struggles are not the root issue. They are a symptom of a bigger issue, a heart issue. An issue I need to wrestle out in a big way.

I am mostly confident we come out on the other side ok, God and I, even if I leave with yet another limp. Because we’ve wrestled this out before and been ok. So maybe it’s not a one and done wrestle. Maybe it’s too big for that.

So this is all pretty cryptic and you might be wondering why I broke a long blog break to come here and ramble. I really don’t know. This space has always been cathartic. It’s always been a place to work things out or talk about things I’ve worked out. So maybe I just want nothing more than to go on record and say I’m ready to fight it out.

I’ve been reading a book called Resilient by John Eldridge. (Highly recommend…though this isn’t a book review. I don’t really do that much anymore.). Something that made me think today as I was reading at the coffee shop (aka Starbucks…you know how I roll) is that part of our soul exhaustion, or whatever, is that we just stop fighting. We no longer have the reserves for that. I kinda feel that. So much has happened in the last many months, really years, that I feel like I don’t necessarily have the strength to fight out. I feel like sometimes I’m watching what is happening like a casual observer.

Sometimes I’m just bracing for impact. Will this latest struggle take me out? Who knows. Let’s watch and see. Will I survive this career? Who knows. Let’s wait it out. Will I have to work this weekend? Brace for impact and always be prepared. Do we ever get to worry about anything else? Outlook hazy. Do I survive this? TBD. Do I want to? Ask again later. It’s like a magic 8 ball and I’m just shaking it up and watching.

A lot has happened in the last several years. Most of it has happened outside of this semi-sacred blog space because part of it was too personal and didn’t feel fit for public consumption and part of it I just didn’t have the strength to put words to a collective experience. But pieces of this we might fight out-loud again. Or we might not. I’m making no commitment to regular posts again, yet.

All that to say, we’re back in a wrestle. At this point, I’m not sure I have the strength for a fight but I know it’s important. So wrestle we will.

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