Tonight as I was cleaning up the mess I made when this afternoon I decided to make soup, the sign above my cabinets caught my attention. Perhaps it’s the self-reflecting I currently find myself doing a lot. More likely it’s the fact that the elusive rodent (don’t judge me) has apparently made it fall forward a bit.
I used to love that sign. And I don’t hate it but internally I thought, “I’m really not that tough.”
It’s true. Life still is tough, in some ways tougher than ever. But me…not so much. I’m not sure I ever really was though. I spent a lot of years and a lot of energy trying to appear tough and unbothered in public while coming apart at the seams in private. I thought if people saw weakness they would use it to their advantage or would have no use for me at all.
The humorous part of that in retrospect is no one probably ever thought I was tough to start with. I hazard to say no one was fooled by my feigned perfection either. While acting on the stage was one of my favorite activities, I trained well for it acting in my every day life.
Here now in this season, I know a few things to be true. First, I am not perfect and no one actually expects me to be but me. Maybe to you that doesn’t feel like a newsflash. Congrats. You’re probably not a perfectionist. For me, there’s a huge weight that comes from false expectations of perfection. And the fact that I can be imperfect, that’s a huge weight I can put down. Granted I do have to consciously put it down about every day.
Second, I am not God. I know. You’re probably not surprised by that admission either. God is perfect and knows how to perfectly run my life. I however am not and do not. But the more I try, the more I struggle and the more I fail. I need Him today as much if not kore than I needed Him when the struggles felt bigger and more insurmountable.
You see, I’m not that tough and for that I’m actually thankful. That limp that comes from all the wrestling reminds me I need Him every day. I need Him for my very life and breath as much now as I did when I was literally one false move away from death.
As we say in recovery, my life is completely unmanageable. Thankfully I know a God who wants to manage it. He just needs me to hire Him to do what He does and get out of the way. Get out of my own way.
He just wants me to surrender to do the next right thing He places in front of me, one foot in front of the other, until He’s ready to bring me home. My pretend toughness doesn’t serve me well here. It only makes me less able to be used by God in the way He wants to use and mold me.
This Season.... 