It’s funny looking at the last post and noticing that I said I would do battle again. I was thinking maybe next year. Maybe 6 months from now.
Well…I didn’t make it to the end of the week.
Something started on Thursday. Silly things annoyed me. People annoyed me. I didn’t really notice it though. But in retrospect the warning signs were there. Then Friday…it came on like a storm. The “I don’t want to get out of bed”. The difficulty keeping my insides from feeling all jumpy. The wanting to do something and not move all at the same time. The pain in my chest that isn’t cardiac in nature. (Ya there’s a difference). Oh good. We’re doing this again.
Maybe I had gotten too confident. Maybe I thought I had it beat. Maybe what I needed was a reminder that it’s a daily struggle. That sometimes it’s easier but it’s always a fight.
Saturday I had to remind myself to breathe multiple times. I would have not gone had there been any other option. But I survived.
Last night I went to bed exhausted and spent and tried to get a little extra calmness from my EO diffuser but a mixup may have led to that not happening. (Sidebar: can I just say to Young Living that you probably shouldn’t make the energy oil and the lavender oil bottles the same color?! I thought I was going for a little extra relax with the lavender but got some extra wake up at 3 am and be wide awake diffusing energy. Ya that’s my fault but still.)
So this morning I got up, exhausted, still emotionally spent, and really just not wanting to, but I got up and showed up at church. I came in. I somehow snuck in without having to talk to anyone and sat down without having any interaction. I didn’t look for it. It didn’t find me. I wanted to leave at one point, maybe even cry, but I didn’t, and that was before the announcements were done. (Ya I’m a mess sometimes).
Somewhere in the middle of the service, I found myself again. I could breathe easier without reminding myself. I could have interaction afterwards. And so this little battle has passed. But I’m not so confident as to think it’s not just one of many in the war.
The thing is this time it wasn’t a new battle. I had picked up some weapons along the way. I knew who was fighting with me too. I remembered many pieces of advice from wise friends. I was better prepared, though not fully.
Maybe some battles are easier than others. Maybe each fight prepares you for the next. Or maybe there will still be harder ones.
But what I know, what I hold to, is while there’s still a little bit of light, hope isn’t lost. Even if the light is so dim, you think it may be nonexistent, it’s still worth fighting for.
The enemy fights dirty sometimes. All I know to do is guard my heart. Continue to grab up new weapons to aid in the next fight. I will continue to fight. I am worth it. The me I’m destined to be is so worth it.
If sometimes you stumble, just know I do too. It takes a lot of practice to move gracefully. Keep practicing, my friend. We’ll get better at this thing called life.