It’s funny. Sometimes I’m downright in love with my life. Granted, it’s been a little extra challenging these last several months and I’ve allowed myself to be bogged down by that. I’ve found myself falling into old familiar habits of trying to control all the things that are uncontrollable. I found myself feeling very alone because I started shutting people out of some of the challenges again. The busyness of the holidays slammed right into my personal hurdles and it was easy to feel like no one cared, when in reality it was just busyness.
I got to the place where I didn’t much like where my life had taken me, yet again. But I realize that the problem lies with me. And I know this life is a good one despite the challenges. But it’s so easy to compare your life to other people’s lives and decide yours doesn’t measure up. It’s easy to allow myself to get distracted by things…by other paths and I start to compare my life. And therein lies the struggle.
Some of my people have begun new journeys toward things that, if I’m truly honest, used to be big dreams in my life. At this point I don’t feel that those things are where my life is headed and I’m usually fine with that, but then I hear excitement in their voices and plans of things I once held so much hope in and I can’t help but be a little sad (or a lot sad).
So then I start down the rabbit hole of well what if I… or why couldn’t I….? And then I start thinking of all the ways my life would have to change to follow that path and I know in my heart it’s not meant for me. But yet…
The death of a dream is always hard. I think in a lot of ways it’s like the death of a person. You think you’ve processed it, come to terms with it, and yet it still can sneak up on you in unexpected places and hurt all over again.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m very happy for my people in all the ways their lives are changing. I just reserve the right to be a little sad for me, privately and not stealing their joy. Part of me is always apprehensive of change too. I know these journeys may mean I get left behind a little, even unintentionally because there are only so many hours in a day. And when your life changes, sometimes your people do too. And sometimes they don’t. I hope for the latter of course.
I say all that to say, I know that’s not the life God has called me to, at least not right now. I know that road that tempts me to try to figure out how to get to is not my road. But it looks like such a great road. It looks like a smoother road, an easier road. Yet, I know it’s not and I know deep down it’s not for me. Because I have faith that once I stop standing in the middle of my road, staring at the road not traveled, and commit to traveling the one that’s meant for me, God will travel with me.
Will there be potholes in my road? I mean I’m from Oklahoma…the panhandle no less. I don’t really know a road without potholes. Will I encounter road construction and detours and run out of gas sometimes? Probably. Will I get lost? I mean if you know me at all, you know that’s a definite possibility.
But will I find beauty in the journey? Most likely. Will there be smooth patches and amazing sights on my road too? I believe so.
I think I have a glimpse at the road I’m supposed to travel, and it’s one that scares me a little because I don’t know where it goes. I don’t know exactly how to navigate it yet, but that’s part of trusting the journey. Truly I most hope that it runs parallel to the roads of my people, the people I desperately need in my life and that it intersects their roads regularly and often.
But if not? I pray for the strength to continue on down my path. I pray for the ability to ignore the temptations of a different road, the road I thought I had the map to at one time. I pray for the ability to let things go as necessary to truly live my best life. But I also pray to not have to let go of much and to keep all of my people. I’m selfish like that.
Mostly, I pray for patience, as I think this road is long, and maybe even lonely sometimes. But the greatness that may await at the end of it…oh that is worth the journey I think. No matter how hard or long it is.
Basically, I don’t know where I’m going. So, I place my trust in the One who goes before me down that road…wherever, however and with whomever. I try to go with fear and faith because I think I need them both for this journey.