life, My Faith

Solemnly Seeking Discernment

I’m in a weird place right now. No, not physically. Physically I’m in my bed, exhausted and ready to sleep if only this pesky brain would shut down. I’m in a weird place in life.

If you’ve been around, you know I have a control thing. And I like to know what’s going to happen, no surprises. But yet I sit here (or lay whatever) completely unsure of where to go, unsure of which path to take, on the brink of having what I thought I wanted and not sure if it is the thing for me. And completely ok with that.

I. Know. I said it’s weird.

A little over 6 or 8 months ago, I thought an opportunity was opening up for me, one that I had as an end goal when I went back to college for the umpteenth time. But then, while I was met with favorable feedback, I was told it would be a little bit before a transition would occur. I had no way of knowing it would be this long.

I prayed for it to open. It didn’t. My people prayed with me. Still nothing. I started getting more and more frustrated with my current situation. I started planning and thinking about and hoping for an exit strategy of some type because “I can’t do this forever.” All the while, I got more and more discouraged and disgruntled and all the things. I was ready to give up…basically everything.

Then last week, I told you something changed. (This was the blog where I almost gave up all the things.). I asked God to change my attitude if He wasn’t going to change my situation. Guess what? My days have been so much better. I pray over my attitude before my feet hit the floor on work days. My job is that hard sometimes and my body is struggling to do it. (This week’s X-ray revealed that we are literally bone-to-bone on my 41 year old right knee. The one that’s technically too young to replace but needs replacing. The one we can no longer inject because they blame the 185 bpm heart rate partly on the steroids but the steroids keep it mobile. The heart that no longer likes to participate in normal activities of life and the body that barely makes it through the day due to complete exhaustion of making it through the day…oh the vicious cycle we are living).

Last weekend, amid the drama with the first round of heart tests and Goals Weekend, I received a text regarding the very thing I had been waiting so long for. I told my friend I was riding some weird rollercoaster of emotions, terrified I was gonna be told I was dying while excited at getting the very thing I was waiting for. I was confused at the timing of asking God to change my attitude if He wasn’t going to change my situation and Him changing my attitude, and was He now going to change my situation too? It was all too much.

But now, in the days that followed Goals Weekend, a strange thought has come into my consciousness. What if that’s not really the thing for I have for you? What if because of the other things I’m calling you to, that’s not what you need to do? I don’t know. I really don’t. One of my people who is quite wise posed a question the other day that has me further confused: What if this thing He’s calling you to do takes you completely out of your current profession? My only response was an awestruck. “I know. And I don’t know.”

But I’m leaning in to try to find the answer. Tomorrow I find out more information about this opportunity, but I also am prepared to say no. There are so many reasons it may not be the right time. But yet what if it is the right thing? I’m prepared to say not now to the very thing I’ve been praying for and hoping for, the very thing that the thought of has kept me moving forward. I’m ready to say no…or yes…or wait. I’m not sure.

Somehow, though, in the midst of all the unknowns I’m strangely at peace with whatever the outcome. I’ve had some other opportunities come up as well, and of course there is the opportunity to stay the same. It’s like all the closed doors have flown open at once and it’s becoming a choose your own adventure story and I don’t know which adventure to choose. They all have their good parts.

I think the difference is I’m trying to seek discernment in the right thing to do not the thing I want to do. Also, I’m thinking less of my job as a means to find fulfillment and more of a means to be able to do the other things in life that He’s calling me to do. And that shift makes all the difference.

Do I love my job? Sometimes. But have I found fulfillment outside of work now? I think I have. And it’s a start.

So I continue forward, hoping to know the right path to choose. Hoping to do the next right thing and the next until I’m exactly where God wants me to be. Not worried or fearful of this journey, but more looking around with excited anticipation of all He may do. Fully prepared to walk away from the very thing I thought I wanted. It’s a weird place.

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